From Where I Stand
by xxmyobsession
Summary: What if she didn't just let him leave after his confession to her? Fourth Season. Literati
1. From Where I stood

**a/n hey! Here's another fanfiction from muah! I am going to continue my other one! Never fear, if you are even a reader of my other one! Well, I hope you enjoy this fic.!**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer: Now really, if I owned ANYTHING on the Gilmore Girls do you REALLY think UI'd be writing a FAN FIC?**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter One

It was weird, how much pain the heart could bring. Wasn't it supposed to be a tool of love? Wasn't it supposed to bring people together, not isolate them?

I stared, in shock, watching him walk towards his car. I remember the car so well. A rusty orange piece of junk. But he took pride in it-a little anyway. He made the money, all by himself. He worked at WalMart. Een made employee of the month once.

"Jess-wait!" I croaked out, staring at him in desperation. Tears threatened to spill over my eyes. I felt my heart scrunch up into a tiny ball, then expand again.

Jess stared at me, waiting for me to say something more. I also waited. No words would go past my throat though, so I stood like a fool in the cold night air. People all around were being happy, but Jess and I were having a staring match of a sort.

"You going to talk or are we just going to continue staring at each other?" Jess asked. His voice was back to its sarcastic tone.

I took a swallow, then wiped my eyes with my white, fragile hands. I covered my mouth, thinking. I knew it, but I wasn't sure if he should know it.

"Jess. Please don't run away again," I began slowly, not looking him in the eye any longer. "Please, stay in Stars Hollow a little longer. I...I-"

"You what, RorY? You what?" he pushed, trying to get it out of me. His vocie now sounded a little annoyed. Could I blame him? I looked up at him, trying to read his expression, trying to tell how he felt.

Jess's strong face looked anxious, eager, annoyed. I furrowed my eyebrows, looking down at my feet. I glanced up. He was watching me, curious.

"I want to talk to you! I...I don't want you toleave again. It hurt so much thefirst time, maybe it would take away the pain for the second time...but maybe it will just be more painful. And I don't wnat to have to find out..." I wiped my eyes again, and looked around nervously.

"Rory-" Jess began, his voice full of...something that his voice was never full of. Could it be concern?

"No. No. I'm sorry Jess. Just, do what you want! I have to go!" The tears spille dout and rolled down my cheeks. I tried to run, but found I couldn't anymore. So I pulled off my shoes and ran.

I didn't know if Jess was going to come after me, but it didn't matter. He had no idea how I felt about him, and it was going to stay that way for a long time...I hoped.

I found it really unfair how he could tell me he loved me after what he did to me last year. It really wa sunfair. After all the pain he put me through, how could he just add that other truck load onto me?

I gave a sniffle, and slowe dmy running to a walk. I looked back. Jess's car was still there. From where I stood, it looked like a Hotwheels car. I smiled, giving a half-hearted chuckle and walked backwards back to my house.

Today certianly had been eventful. I droppe dmy purse next to the purse and walked into my room, dropping down on my bed and grabbing the book I was reading. A light paperback. I opened it up to read, but found I couldn't concentrate.

Annoyed with myself, I put it back down on my sidetable, and curled myself into a ball, burying my face into my pillow, and I cried, and cried, until I was fast alseep.

**a/n not a very exciting chapter, is it? Nope. And it is short. But it has to be I guess. Well, I hope you enjoyed, and please review!**

**-Queen of Weird**


	2. I'm sorry

**a/n I hope this chapter is longer and better**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer: If only I did...**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Two

When I woke up my face was wet, as was my pillow. I groaned, wiping my face on my sleeve. My clothes were now wrinkly. I sighed, annoyed with myself for getting so worked up.

I didn't bother to change my skirt, only my shirt. I walked into the Living Room, and grabbed my purse. Upstairs, I heard Mom clashing around, tripping over all the junk laying around on the floor.

"I'm going to Luke's!" I called upstairs, and grabbed for the door. But quickly, I turned on my heels, and walked over to the couch, falling down onto it. I couldn't go to Luke's! What if I saw him?

"Wait! Wait I wanna come to!" Mom ran down the stairs, slowing down when she saw me. An appreciative smile crawled onto her face. "You waited for me. How sweet!"

"No..." I sighed

"Oh! I'm hurt!" Mom clutched at her heart. She stared at me, her joking smile slipping off her face. "What's wrong, hun?"

"It's just...I ran into Jess yesterday," I said cautiously. I avoided her gazer, not really wanting to speak, but not finding a way out of it.

"You ran into him a lot yesterday, hun..."

"I know. But last night...it's just...he said...something happened...I'm just so confused and upset. I don't know what to do..." I bit my lower lip hard. My teeth broke through the dry skin, causingme to bleed.

"What did he say," Mom asked curiously, giving me a look that told me to release my lip from my teeth's grasp. I listend to her stare, and put my fingers to my mouth, pressing hard against the cracked skin.

"He um...he said he loved me?" I said it as more of a question then a statement. I was paying more attention to my blood-covered fingers than to my mother.

"Oh baby," Mom said sympethetically, pulling my close to her, leaning me against her chest.

"That isn't all..." I said quietly, biting my lips once more. I could taste the bitter taste of blood. I hated it. "I...I ummm...I told him not to Leave Stars Hollow..."

"You what!" She was surprised. She was shocked. She was confused. I could understand that, but did she **really **need to make it so clear? I knew she didn't like Jess, and that she **never **would...in this world anyway. "Honey, darling, sweetie! Why would you **DO **that! He hurt you, remember?"

Mom was genuinley concerned for me, but I had no use for her concern. "I know Mom. It's just that...I can't hate him. Now go to Luke's and get me a coffee and a donut!" I smiled a bright smile.

"I'll get right on it, Kid," she said, and sighed. Grabbing her hand bag, she walked out of the house and down to Luke's.

I turned the TV on, but didn't watch it. My fingers pressed hard against my lip, trying to stop the bleeding. But al it did was bring more pain. A minute passed. I turned off the Tv and walked absent-mindedly into the kitchen.

My mind was spinning from last night. I had a headache. Boredome now washing over me, I opened the hall closet. In it, I found boxes. My Dean box...my Jess box. I pulled them both out. The only two boyfriends I had ever had, and the only two I ever wanted.

You see, I am still in love with Jess Mariano, and I always will be. But he didn't know that, Mom didn't know that, no one knew but me.

I opened my Dean box. In it was the box of starch I had stolen back in my sophmore year of highschool, when Dean and I had shared our first kiss. And then there was the dress. The beautiful, blue dress Mom had made for my very first dance. The bracelet he made me, and many more things.

The Jess box. Books, CDs, you name it. I blew the dust off of some of the books that were piled so neatly. I had missed them, but I had been too afraid to look in the box to get them. A twang of pain in my heart. My bridesmaid dress from Sookie's wedding to Jackson, which I had been wearing when Jess and I had shared our first kiss.

The front door opened. My heart skipped a beat, and I looked over at the door. "I got coffee and donuts!" Mom said happily, skipping over to the couch

"Did you see him?" I asked before she reached the couch.

"Umm...actually, no," Mom said, giving a fiant giggle. The very giggle she gave whenever she was lying. "It's okay. You can tell me when you see him..." I said. Now in my hands was the dress I wore to the Dance Marathon, when Dean and I broke up. I handled it with great care. I leane din to smell it.

I sneezed.

"Gazundheit!" She said, pulling her shoes off, while hopping to keep her balance. Mom hopped over to the couch, then chucked her shoes, not caring where they landed. "Okay so do you wnat Bston Kreme or chocolate with spr-oh. You busy?"

I shook my head, gently folding the dress up.

Mom grabbed my Dean box and brought it to the closet. She then came back to take my Jess box, but I held it tight in my hands. "C'mon kid..." she said in barely above a whisper

I gave up and let her take it.

----

It was a cool, crisp day. I walked around Stars Hollow, carefully avoiding Luke's diner. Instead, I headed to the bridge. I don't know why I would want to go there, where most of Jess and I's memories where.

There was a shadowy figure sititng on the bridge, head down. I knew who it was, so I didn't know why I approached him.

"Hey," he said in a hoarse whisper

"Hey back..." I replied, taking a seat beside him, but making sure there was some distance.

"Why didn't you come to the diner this morning?"

"Oh...I was asleep," I lied

"You really suck at lying, you know that, right?" he laughed

I couldn't help smiling. "Yeah." There was a silence. I hated the silence. Ity made me uncomfortable, and gave me too much time to think. "So what do you wnat to talk about?" he asked after a few minutes

"What?" I asked, surprised

"Last night you said you wnated to talk to me. So I assume there is something you want to talk about?"

"Oh um...not really?" I rubbed the back of my neck and looked anywhere but his eyes. "I just wanted to...talk to you."

"My comment still stands." He didn't look at me.

I said nothing, only stared at my feet. I couldn't tell him now. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Look. I just want you around," I said a bit uncomfortable. "We're friends, right?"

"Yeah..." he replied. There was something about his voice that I just couldn't capture. I decided to ignore it. More silence.

Then wordlessly, he got up, and walked off. "I'm sorry..." I whispered, watching him go off.

_Why am I such a chicken? Why can he confess to me his feelings, but I just sit around, saying we're just friends, making him believe that I don't love him? It's a lie. I am live in a lie. And worst of all, I'm making him live in it too..._

**_a/n _another uneventful chapter. I really hope this story gets better! Please review with ideas, critisism, anything! Flames, I don't care! Just ggive me some feedback people!**


	3. Unbelievable

**a/n thank you reviewers! Yes, I am aware of my poor typing skills. Thank you though:d I hope that didn't sound mean in any way, sorry if it did. I am very glad you liked it though! Hope you enjoy!**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer: In the dream land that I DID in fact own anything on Gilmore Girls, I would be hangin' with Jess and Rory (who were TOGETHER)**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Three

Everyone has a little chicken in them, but I have more than most. I am the leader of the pack. If I was crazy and decided to dress as a chicken on Halloween, I would most definitely pull it off.

I hated myself for it. And I hated myself for hurting Jess.

I got up off of the bridge, and slowly began walking back to my house. I was going to read. I was going to force myself to read Hemmingway, no matter what. If I got dazed, I would think about how I felt...for Jess. Not the book. It would be a little weird if I had feelings for the book.

My house was fuzzy. Babette's house was fuzzy. The bushes, the trees, everything was fuzzy. I felt brought down. I felt the way I felt when Dean first broke up with me. I didn't know why even

I opened up the front door and immediatley went to the kitchen, where I attacked the refrigerator. Ice cream. I grabbe dit and a spoon, and sat down on the couch, turning on 'Dirty Dancing'.

A classic, which no doubt would not make feel any better, but it was worth a shot.

----

The next morning, I decided to be brave. I got dressed and walke dto Luke's diner. Jess wa sonce again working there. I liekd to think that it was because I asked him to say, but for all I knew he was planning on it anyway.

"Hey Jess," I said, sliding onto the bar stool

"Hey," he said, not looking up from the sparkly clean counter. He just continued scrubbing away.

"Co-" I began, but was cut off by Jess handing me a mug of coffee and a donut. "Thank you." I was glad he remembere.d But how could he forget?

I drank and ate in silence. He read, leaning against the counter space in front of me. I watche dhim discreetly, and his eyes I could tell were looking over the book. I was happy. And I felt conceited.

"We need to talk," I said, putting down my coffe mug. God I reminded myself of Paris.

"Yeah? What about?" He asked, lowering his book, revealing his wonderfully strong face.

"Just stuff." A pause. "Come on with me to the bridge!"

"When?"

"Now!"

"But I'm working..." he pointed out in his sarcastic way.

"When has that stopped you before?" I questioned, a smirk easily sliding onto my lips. He sighed, folding down the corner edge of the page. "I'm on break!" he called the Luke, and followed me out of the diner.

----

I sat down on the bridge, and he sat beside me. A crisp breeze swept over us. I pulled my coat close around me. I stared at the cool water. The mucky, brown colored water. Leaves floated around on the surface, along with muck from under the water.

"Jess..." I began. I didn't really know what to say.

"Yeah?"

I rolled my eyes back into my head thoughtfully. "I wnated to say...I'm sorry."

"For...?"

"Lying to you..."

"Hm?"

"And...not being able to tell you things. I know when were together," I stopped and looked at him. He grimaced at the word 'were' past tense. But it was the past. We were through. "When we were together I pressured you to tell me what was going on, how you felt. Everything. And now, even though we aren't a... couple anymore, you can now tell me things, and I just can't."

"Well we aren't together anymore," he pointed out in a very smart alecky way. I glared at him.

"And I'm sorry for comparing you to Dean...when you and I were together I mean."

"Of course."

I just stared at him. I felt...good for telling him all of that. He stared back at me. A moment seemed to be happening, and I found myself being pulle dinto him, and him to me. But it was ruined by a very familiar, very annoying voice.

"Jess! Jess honey!"

Jess pulled back and looked to the side. "Oh. Hi Shane." Boy was **he **ever thrilled. But not as thrilled as **I **was.

"Hey hun. Luke told me you'd be here." She stared at me, trying to register the image of us two. Obviously she didn't remember who I was, and she was trying to figure it out.

"Ice cubes," I helped out in monotone.

She blinked, and looked at me. "Hi **freak**," she sneered.

I always remembered her as an idiot.

"Nice to see you too." My voice stayed in monotone.

Shane ignored me and leaned down and kissed Jess deeply. I stared, eyes widening, going into disbelief. I shot up, nearly falling into the wate rin the process. "You have got to be kidding me!" I shouted. Shane puleld away, surprised by the outburst.

I avoided Jess's eyes, and I stormed off.

**a/n I gues si'm not good at writing long chapters for this story. Things need their seperate chapter sin this story I guess! Unlike my other one...Well, please review with whatever! I can take it all! Say what you wnat!**


	4. Lifeless

**A/N Thank you veyr much reviewers! I appreciate it! A lot! Well, please enjoy the wonderfully short chapter:D**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer: nothing at all has changed since the LAST chapter**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Four

Everywhere I turned seemed unsafe. Even home would be a mortal mistake. Mom would be there. She'd ask what was wrong, and the lump in my throat would dissolve ninto my eyes, and I would burst out sobbing.

I walked around in circles for what felt like hours, but in reality was but minutes. My hands were buried into my pockets, I was muttering to myself.

I finally decided. I ran back home, left Mom a post-it on the table with a little hershey kiss, and hopped into my car and drove off back to Yale.

Everything went wrong these past few days. Jess's confession, my blabbering, him getting together with Shane. _I can't believe him. He told me he loved me, and now...now he's back with ice-cube girl!_

Soon I was back in my dorm, sitting on the couch. But I wasn't really there. I was back on the bridge, dead from shcok. With that kiss, Jess had taken my soul and heart away from me. Now I was just an image-a shattered image of what once was Rory Gilmore.

"RorY?" came Tanna's small, mouse-like voice. I looked up with an empty expression. My usually sparkly eyes were like never-ending pools. Only not of waters or crystals, but of oil. The black, the emptiness, seemed to over-power the usually thrilling blue.

"Hmm?" I questioned, staring at her. I creeped even Tanna, the airy, dreamy, spaced-out Tanna, out. She seemed jitterish, nervous even. "Are you okay?" she squeaked.

"Oh I'm fine!" Monotone. Blank, monotone. Somehow this too scared Tanna, and she backed away like a little mouse. I turned back to the screen. What would really be frightening is if I scared Paris.

----

Well, I didn't scare Paris, but I did worry her! Shocker, huh? Whoever knew she had such warm emotions towards ANYONE!

I went to bed and listened to Paris talk to herself as I tried falling asleep. I lay in the darkness, my ear leaning against my pillow. My stomach was queasy, and my heart...did I have a heart anymore?

No. I don't think I did. It was gone.

At last, my eyelids dropped like window blinds, and my breathing went light and airy, and I slept peacefully. Could my heart be beating? I might have felt a light throb come in my sleep, but just as soon, it disappeared. My heart died when he ran away, and was replaced by a candy heart, with their stupd little syaings. And then he had to take **that **as well when he confessed his feelings.

A wind blew through the slightly open window. But my hair stayed still like straw-brown straw. I sat and waited in a deep deep sleep, waiting for my prnce charming to come again. Waiting for my two hearts to be returned to me. Waiting for all to be well again.

It was just like Sleeping Beauty. The princess in a deep sleep. The prince fighting to get her. And the withch, having everything she wants. The witch is Shane. The prince is Jess, only he stopped fighting it seemed, and the princess would wake up, but she would actually remain sleeping in her mind, curled up, crying. And people would look at her, and sh'd stare at them through her blank eyes, and remain silent.

At the moment, a china doll was more life-like than me.

----

When I woke up, I was absent minded in getting dressed. If Paris hadn't pointed it out, I'd still be wearing a mini skirt inside out, and an African looking shirt, that completely **COVERED** the skirt. So I chnage dinto plain jeans and a plain, maroon colored shirt.

I went to class, and I took notes and everything. But I wasn't there. So I went to lunch and sat with Marty. He kept looking at me, concerned. "Rory?" he asked. I looked up and stared through lifeless eyes at him. "You aren't eating..." he pointe dout nervously.

"Guess I'm not all that hungry..." I shrugged. "I'm going to call my Mom. Be right back."

I got up and walked into the hall. I didn't call the home phone, or her cell, or the under-construction-Dragonfly. Instead, I called Luke's diner. The phone rang a few times, before someone picke dup.

"Hello?" said the oh so familiar voice

"Hi," I said, voice cracking.

"Rory? Why did you call here?" He had a tone to his voice, important, excited, happy? All emotion s I felt incapable of. But right now I felt embarrassed and like an idiot. "I thought my Mom might be here..." I replied. It sounded stupid

"Why didn't you just call her cell?"

"I didn't wnat to raise her phone bill..." My voice was getitng smaller and smaller, and tears were pilling up in my eyes. I was shaking, I couldn't talk to him, not even over the phone.

"Oh. Well, she isn't here." I could hera the smirk in his voice

"Trust me I didn't call to talk to you!" I regained my voice for just a moment, but then it fell down again. "Good-bye!"

"Bye Rory..."

And I hung up. And then I collapsed. I fell to the ground, sobbing hysterically. My cellphone fell and slid behind the giant clay pot that sat beside me. I was making a scene. I hated making a scene. My hair fell in front of my face and I just cried and cried.

A moment later I herad a concerned voice. "Rory? Rory!" And comforting arms were around me. I kept crying, knowing who it was. And I felt guilty suddenly for wishing it was someone else. I buried my face into his chest and wettened his shirt. He didn't care. And that was whata good friend does...

**a/n short chapter once more! Sorry it was sappy and maybe stupid. I don't know. It was neccessary I know that. Well,please review with whatever! I can takre it all! Flames do not burn me, so go ahead and give 'em! Just please review!**

**Oh, just actually, one thing: do not tell me about the speling of things. I stink so badly at typing, so don't bother telling jme about it!**


	5. Bob

**a/n I am so annoyed! I was writing this, and then the computer froze and I didn't get to save. So I am really sorry if it isn't that good. I just can't put my heart and soul into it twice.  
Well, I don't really understand the reviews for my last chapter. Are you people yelling at me or Jess? Either way your really yelling at me...but whatever. I hope you like this chapter!**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer:I have millions of Milo pictures. I own a dog. I own books, I own my own personal stories. I even owna laptop, but I do NOT own anything on Gilmore Girls, and sadly, never will.**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Five

"Thanks for letting me cry on your shirt, Marty. I heard tears don't come out easily..." It was one of my bad jokes, but I was upset. I stood in Marty's Common Room, wiping my cheeks so vigourously with a wet towel, my face was blotched with red.

"No. I think they just don't come out of faces." You know the saying figh fire with fire? Well that almost fits in the situation, except it would be: Fight lame jokes with lame jokes.

I attempted smiling, but it was hard for me to give him even a **half **smile. He returned it and cotinued watching me as I tried to get rid of the stains of tears on my now red cheeks. His arm was draped over the back of the couch, and his legs were pulled up Indian Style.

"Oh I give up!" I exclaimed, stomping into Marty's bathroom. Then I shrieked and came back into the Common Room. Good thing my face was already red, or you would have been able to tell I was blushing. "You should tell your roommates to close the bathroom door when they are using it!" I said, and threw the towel down onto the counter. I then walked to the door. "I'll see you around, right Marty?" I glanced at him.

"Yeah Sure. I'll see you...later." But I didn't catch the last word, I was already out the door. My hands were in my pockets, and I fingered the cool surface of my cellphone. People stared at me. Self-consiously, I would bring my hand up to my face each time I caught someone, and I would begin rubbing my cheeks.

My leather bookbag was heavy on my currently frail shoulders. I was still weak from my breakdown. I was upset with Jess, and I wa supset with myself. Mentally I had been slapping myself, ever since he ran away. Actually, ever since I began doing stupid things with him while I was with Dean.

I entered the classroom silently, and slipped between the chair and desk without a peep, and throughout the rest of the class, I did not make a sound, except for the scratching of my pen on paper. And for the rest of the day, it was like that.

----

At dinner, Marty, Paris, and I sat together at a table, though I could tell Paris would rather Marty not be there. Rory wouldn't mind if she was alone. She wasn't talking at all right now, even if she had been able to make lame jokes with Marty in his dorm, she lost that ability.

Paris cleared her throat. "So. Rory, I was thinking..." she began, putting her fork in her mouth. I stared expectantly at her. That blank look seemed to be back with me. "Aren't you going to ask what I was thinking?" she asked impatiently.

"I kinda thought you'd just continue, you know..." It was the most I had spoken in hours. Marty looked relieved that I finally said something, but Parisgave off the impression that she could care less. "Anyway. I was thinking...Maybe you could run an idea past Doyle for me? You know, for the Yale Daily News.?"

"I figured as much..." My voice was very soft and gentle. More so than usual. I emptied some food into my mouth, then continued staring at Paris, waiting to hear what I was to run past Doyle.

Annoyed, Paris rolled her eyes. She quickly swallowed her meat, then once again clearded her throat. "Maybe you could suggest positions to Doyle? You know president, vice president, secretary, etc?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Marty asked, staring at his plate as he ate. Iflashed him a tiny smile, then looked at Paris, waiting for an answer to Marty's question.

"Oh, what was that noise? Ohwell, I gues sit was the wind...So what do you think? Will you?"

"Why can't you?" I asked for Marty. I smiled sweetly, a false smile at her and stared, unmoving. "Because! If **I** suggest it, Doyle will think I want the president job, and then he won't even consider giving it to me!"

"Well, then he probably won't consider giving me the president job either," I said quietly

"Oh what do you care! I came up with the idea! Anyway, he would consider you if you ask..."

"Why me and not you?"

"Because you are you. He likes you more than me..." I let out a small sigh. "Fine. I'll ask."

"YES!" Paris exclaimed. And then I went back to silence.

----

After dinner, I said goodnight to Marty, telling him I'd see him tomorrow, and I went back to my dorm, immediately going to my room and pulling out the books. I began my homework, trying to force my mind off of him.

After finishing two of the four things I had, the pressure of not thinking of him let in, and I began thinking. I stared at my notebook, and tears silently dripped onto the paper, smearing the ink. Not wanting to ruin my work further, I got up and collapsed on my bed, letting my hair surround my face.

My face was becoming wet, little by little, and my eyes sparkled, but only because tears were there. How could I tell him how I felt? He was seeing the Barbie Doll again! The skimpy clothe wearing, bubble-gum chewing, 'ice cubes are fascinating'. Barbie Doll.

I hated Shane with the deepest passion for stealign Jess from me again. But, I guess I can't really blame Jess. Actually...yes I could. He told me he loved me, and then he abandoned the idea of trying to get me, and he got Shane.

Shane was such an idiot. I'm surprised she passed highschool. I bit my lower lip, and tears ran past my eyelids. My eyelashes clumped together, making pointy little triangles. I began sobbing, and then hiccupping. It was rather uncomfortable.

I sat up and exited my room. Tanna and Janet looked over at me. "What's wrong?" Tanna asked in her breathy, airy, squeaky voice. I just waved it away, holding back my sobs. I hiccuped, and went into the kitchen area. I grabbed a glass and got water.

I drank up and went back to my room. Without thinking, I pulle dout my cell and dialed Luke'sapartment number. The phone rang teice before the familiar vocie answered.

"Hello?"  
"Hey..."  
"Oh...Um...Bob. What's up?"  
"Bob."  
"Oh. Interesting. You need me to meet you at that bar near Yale in about half an hour?"  
"Um.Yes. Yes I do..." I decided to play along.  
"Okay. See you around Bob..."

I hung up. That was very unusual behavior for Jess. I took a deep breath and walke dinto the bathroom, deciding to wash my face and put a little makeup on.

Once done, I looked in the mirror. Not too done up, but just enough so. I took a deep breath, and wlaked out of Yale.

**a/n Okay, weird chapter, right? Lots of things about crying. But whatever. Please review about whatevr! I don't mind flames, I just need feedback on how to improve this fic! Anyway, I should have the next one out FAirly soon. Ta-ta!**


	6. First Date Ramblings

**a/n well, here I am again. Back with Chapter Six! Was ch. 5 longer than the others? That's cool, huh? Well, I hope you like this chapter! There should be some Jess/Rory interaction, but maybe not the kind you ar elooking for. :D**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Disclaimer: Oh how amazing it would be...**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Six

I decided to walk. The pub wasn't far away, and I needed the fresh air...desperately. And I got to think about the phone call. Maybe someone was over who hated me with a mighty passion, and he didn't want her to know? Who else could that be but Shane.

Pleased and upset with that answer, I entered the pub with 15 minutes to spare. I had dawdled a little in getting there. I waited to be seated, then I waited for him to show up.

Twenty minutes later, she sees the leather jacket, and the unruly dark hair, with its little curls dangling on his forehead. He always tried to get all his hair out of his face, hence the reason for so much gel, but there was always a little that staye dout of his grasp.

My blue eyes caught his chocolate ones, and they stayed connected until he sat down across from me."So...that was a weird conversation, huh?" I asked, smiling nervously. A small glitter was in my eye, but Jes snever knew it left.

"Yup." Typical Jess. One word answers...

"So...Bob? Nice name choice. A little usual though. Would've liked something a little more...original for a cover up name. And it would be nice if it was a girl name, but whatever..."

"Rory?"

"No. That is my real name! Maybe Parvati would've been nice..." I said thoughtdfully, holding my chin lightly between my index finger and my thumb.

He rolled is eyes, but said nothing. I was silent for a moment, then I spoke up in a soft, yet raspy voice. "Shane was over, wasn't she?"

"What?"

"I mean, that must be the reaosn you called me 'Bob' I mean, even an idiot like Shane couldn't say that the name 'Bob' sounded remotely like 'Rory'..."

"Huh."

"What?"

The wiater came by with the coffee I ordered for me and the water I ordered for Jess. I just didn't want to give him beer...

"Now Shane is an idiot?"

"Oh she always has been!" I said passively, feleing a mean feeling fill my body.

"Huh," he repeated

"What?" I asked yet again

"I thought you just didn't like her. I didn't think you were **jealous **of her.." The word 'jealous' came out sounding like venom. I became nervous, and butterflies were filling my stomach.

"Jealous? What are you talking about?" My eyes dashed about, looking anywhere but at his eyes.

"Of Shane and Me. I mean, we used to go out, and Shane and I used to go out. Maybe you're feeling like last year is repeating itself, and you have to feel the feelings you used to feel."

I stared for a moment, then let out a word. No, more a noise actually. "Huh."

"What?" We switched places

"How un-Jess like..."

He raised a questioning eyebrow

"You nearly rambled,a nd that is my thing, not yours. You stick to one-worders. Or no-worders in some cases..."

Jess didn't say anything. I opened my mouth, and closed it again, deciding to wait a few minutes. I grabbed my coffee and drank at it. I looked up into Jess's eyes and felt the butterflies. Even though I was sititng, my knees began trembling.

"Jess-"I began. He gave me his attenton. I swallowed hard. Never mind...I said, shaking my head. I couldn't put that burden on him, even though he had down it to me. I didn't think he had moved on off of me...but I just didn't think he could handle it without warning.

"Okay," he said, and sipped at his water. Surprisingly, he didn't call over a waiter and ask for a beer. I was happy about that. But maybe he didn't because we're 18 and this is a public place. But he could definitely pull off a 21 year old...

"So. What has been going on?" I asked

----

It was late when I walked out of the pub. Jess was wlaking besides me. I felt as if a huge bubble had just bursted inside of me. It felt good. I looked over at Jess. He noticed and looked at me.

A smirk crawled onto his face, and I felt myself blushing. "Shall we go?" he asked. I nodded while examining my shoes. "I'll walk you back to your dorm, if you want."

"That would be nice..." I whispered, glancing up at him.

"Alright. Let's go..."

We began wlakign off, and thoughts were spinning inside my head. My mouth opened, and I couldn't keep one thought from escaping. "It's just like a first date! The boy and the girl are all shy, and the boy offers walking the girl home. It's a typical end-of-first-date scene!"

Jess was staring at me with a strange look on his face, an eyebrow raised. The red crawled back onto my cheeks, and I looked to the side and stared across the street.

Neon lights were flashing, and lights were on. The street lamps were dim, just like on this side. I wasn't watchign where I was going, and nearly fell flat face in a ditch.

But Jess caught me. I looked up into his eyes. My bretahing was heavy. Jess was holding me. I wa shovering above a giant ditch, and Jess was holding me. My cheeks were tinged pink, and Jess wasn't Mr. Cool right now either.

He held me for more than I would have thought necessary, but I didn't mind at all. "Thank you," I whispered, staring up at him with my big crystal blue eyes.

"No problem," he whispered back. He held me for another moment, then lifted me up and put me down away from the ditch. My heart was racing now, and my stomach was filled with butterflies. We walked silently the rest of the way. When we reached my dorm, I turned and looked at him.

"This would be the time when the boy would lena in and kiss the girl but suince we aren't going out-" I stopped and stared at him. "Oh I am so sorry! I didn't mean to!" I blushed again and looked down.

"It's okay," he replied in that cool way of his. I looked up. "Really?" I asked earnestly.

"Really," he replied with a nod. I took a deep bretah and smiled."Good."

The next thing that happened was unexpected-especially by Jess. He leane din and softly kisse dmy lips. "Good-bye Rory."

"Bye..." I weakly said, and stared as he walked away. I was happy and surprised he kisse dme, but I was also surprised he knew how to kiss softly. I shrugged and walked into my dorm.

_I am an idiot andam hopelessly in love,_I thought, and dropped down on the couch.

**a/n okay, so there was a little interaction that you were probably all happy about, but just so you know, he only did it because she mentioned kisisng, though he wanted to kiss her, he wouldn't have if she hadn't metioned anything.**

**Anyway, please review! **


	7. Secret Glances and Clear waters

**A/N okay, so it's been a week or so. Did anyone see last week's episode of Gilmore Girls? How hilarious was that. If I had laughed any harder I swear I would have wet myself. Anyway, thank you for all the wonderful reviews :D. I swear, no one ever says anything mean. I feel special :P Anyway, enjoy the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Maybe in another world 'Amy Sherman-Palladino' means 'Melony ...' (my name if you didn't figure that out :P) but unless that's true, I own nada!**

**Author: Queen of Weird**

**Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen**

Chapter Seven

When I woke up, I felt better. I took a shower, then danced off to breakfast, where I grabbed random food items, then sat down with Marty and Paris. "Have you talked to Doyle yet?" Paris immediately barked as soon as my butt touched the seat. "No. I was busy last night," I said. I looked at my food, realizing what I took.

Eggs, wheat cereal. The eggs tasted horrible, and the cereal was bland. But I was too happy to do anything. "Rory.What's wrong with you?" Paris asked, gving mea strange look. "What do you mean?" I asked, smiling broadly. "You're eating plain, whaeat cereal and you aren't barfing. What's up?"

I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand..." I said and went back to eating. Marty looked at me curiously, and Paris shrugged and continued eating her breakfast.

- - - -

I went through two classes all happy and shiny, but then as I was walking through the halls to my next class, I began thinking. Why was I all happy that Jess kissed me? He was with Shane. There was nothing happy about that at all. He only kissed me because I had been rambling baout the endings of the fantasy first date. It wasn't like he had been planning that the entire time.

Had he?

No. He was only doing it because I rambled. Sure he claimed to love me, but I don't think...No. He had just done it because I rmabled, and that was that. I wlake dinto my next class, happiness falling out of grasp. But there was no gloom cloud over my head yet, and I still ha dlife in my eyes. Thank the lord I wasn't a china doll yet.

I slipped into a seat and got prepared for class, then I sat and waited, trying to throw the night before out of my mind.

- - - -

The rest of the day wa suneventful. I went back to Stars Hollow for the night. I didn't feel like having Paris hovering over me, watching my every movement, waiting for me to tak to Doyle about her suggestion. I pulle dinto the driveway of Mom's house just as she was coming out the door. She ran up to me as soon as I got out. "Hey hun! Wasn't expecting you!" she said, and kissed my cheek.

"Hey Mom. I needed to get away from Paris. She's bene hovering over me all day." I paused. "Where are you going?"

"Oh! Luke's!" Mom said and smiled. "Need some food in my digestion system, you know?" I nodded. "I'm coming with you!" I said, and lopped my arm through hers and walked off to Luke's with her.

When we pushed through the door, the bells jingled. Jess was at the counter, and Shane wa slenaing over, kissing him. As soon as Jess saw me, he pushed her off. "Ow! What was that for!" Shane asked, her lip curling up. She saw that Jess was staring behind him, and she turned around. I had bean staring at Jess, but ducked my head as soon as she looked around.

Shane rolled her eyes and leaned back onto the counter. "So. What are we doing tonight?" she asked between smooches.

"Nothing," Jess replied in his monotone. Shane wa smsirking at him. "I thought we could do something though." Jess couldn't look at her. He didn't see why she was even his backup anymore. "I'm busy the rest of the night." He wa spouring coffee into a giant mug for me, forgettign about my mom. "What about your breaks?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Already have plans," he replied simply, and carried the coffee over to me. I flahsed him a smile, and we once again shared our secret glances. He smirked. "Hey! James Dean! I want coffee, too!" Mom said, waving he rhand in fornt of Jess's face. He grumbled something and went back to pour her some.

"Fine. I guess I'll see you tomorrow!" Shane said after watched Jess and I for a while. There was a sneer of a sort on her face as she walked out of the diner. "I guess I will!" he said sarcastically, an annoyed tone in his voice as well. "Hey," he said, leaning on the counter. "Hey," I replied. We were finally greeting each other. Mom was looking back and forth between us, as we stared at each other, acting as if she wans't there.

Jess finally stood up and took a couple steps back, taking a deep breath. "What can I get you two?" he asked, grabbing a pad and pencil, finally acknowledging my mother's prescence. "The regular for me," I breathed. "Same here1" Mom replied happily. He nodded, knowing exactly what it was, and gave Ceaser the order.

"So what was that all about?" Mom asked as soon as she was sure Jess couldn't hear. "What was what?" I asked, not looking at her. "The whole 'Hey' 'Hey' staring into each other's eyes thing?"

I shook my head. "Nothing."

"Wow. Deja Vou!"

"Huh?" I asked, looking curiously at her. "Didn't we have this EXACT same conversation a year or two ago?" I rolled my eyes. "I don't know."

A moment later, our food was out, and we dropped the conversation and ate. But Mom was wathcing Jess and I closely. But I didn't mind. I kept glancing at him, and he me.

- - - -

I didn;t go home after dinner. I went to the bridge, and told Mom that I would meet her back at the house. Soon after I sat down, Jess's feet were walking across the bridge. Yes, I recognized his footsteps.

"Hey," he said hoarsely

"Hey," I replied softly. I looked up from the water, just as a wind came and blew my collar-bone length hair. "Mind if I sit?" he asked, pointing to the spot next to me. I shrugged."I don't own the bridge."

He sat."Good point. But we should do somethign about that. You and I are here more than anyone else. Maybe if you ask Taylor about it he'll think about changing it..."

"Jess-"I said seriously. He stopped and looked at me. "Jess. About yesterday-" but that was as far as I got. Jess leaned in and kissed me, not soft like last time, but hard and passionate even. I eased into it and slid my arms under his to hold his back.

We pulled apart, and our foreheads touched. My blue eyes, filled with life, stared into his wonderfully deep chocolate eyes. I let out a tiny puff of breath."Why are you with Shane?" I breathed.

"To get over you," he replied.

"Why?" I asked, sounding almost hurt. "I didn't think you still liked me." I lightly kissed his lips. "I do. I still love you. And I did pine for you in Europe. I couldn't help it."

"Jess! Jess Mariano get your butt back in the diner! The place is a watering hole!" Luke shouted. We pulled apart, and Jess rolled his eyes. "Phft. He seems to always ruin everything..." he said. "I'll see you around." And he stood up. "Bye Jess." I looked back into the water, which oddly seemed clearer at night. I watched through the water as he walked off.

**a/n just so you know, this story is far from over, I believe. Leave some reviews and make your devoted author happy. :D ttfn!**


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